Comfort

The coughing is in the past
The thoughts scream out
Louder and louder at volumes un-thinkable
Crashes of uncertainty spin and twist around the back of your eyes
Pulling at your retinas, forcing you to move
Calm down
Think about water
Drink water
Don’t sit like that, they’ll find out
Don’t laugh at that, they’ll hate you
Breath to the beat of your heart, try to keep up
The room refuses to spin, it laughs instead
Stays still, won’t allow peace
Hide your head, go to sleep

Hedonism

Maybe I’ll change my mind by the time I’m finished with this essay. That’s usually why I begin to write. To change my mind, to challenge reasons, to understand more clearly. Essentially, to help me learn.

Are all humans hedonists? Hedonism is defined by Merriam-Webster as “the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the sole or chief good in life. So basically, one who only seeks happiness. But who would seek sadness? What thinking human being would knowingly put themselves in a state of sadness? I can think of a few examples.

Suppose a man is in love with a woman that he cannot be with. He is very sad that he cannot be with her so he decides to ignore her. Not seeing her or speaking to her drives him crazy and makes him very sad. But he decides to stick it out until he forgets about her and moves on.

This is one situation where someone would make themselves feel sad, but only to be happier in the future. It can be transformed into many different situations where choosing the lesser of two evils would still be choosing something evil, but still better than the other choice. Ultimately, he’s seeking happiness through seeking sadness. Life will be hell for a while but life will be better in the end.

A more queer example are the type of people who enjoy being sad. But still, isn’t that something you enjoy? Something you get pleasure out of? And with those who cut themselves to get off, they are finding pleasure in their pain.

Would you agree that happiness and pleasure are the chief goods in life? One response would be ”My family’s happiness is more important than my own.” But if your family’s happiness is important to you and they are in fact happy, doesn’t that make you happy? Doesn’t it come full circle? Which begs a second question: Are all humans selfish?

If someone likes to do volunteer work or give to charities, they’re not selfish right? But aren’t they doing it so they’ll feel better? because they ultimately like to do those things? They like to help out, so they get pleasure out of it, so are they only thinking of themselves? “I’ll feel better when that family has a home.” So you’d be looking out for your own interest right?

I realize that this is all very cynical. I’m not saying that everyone has ulterior motives. Or maybe I am. Then again, maybe I’m not. I’m not even exactly sure. Perhaps I’m just being a little too literal and thinking way too deeply about this all. It’s possible.

So are all humans hedonists? I still don’t know. We’re only here for a short time and we must make the best of it. Ironic how I’m standing here wondering how sadness can make people happy. But I’m not sad, so I don’t get it. Am I wasting my time? I guess not because I’m thinking constructively, or destructively. At least I’m not watching television. I’m letting my voice he known. Maybe it’ll spark some questions in you.

Technology

I often wonder what it would be like to start our technology over. Would we eventually catch up to where we are now? Or would we take our advancements in completely different directions? Would we invent the computer or bypass it entirely and invent the seemingly next most useful machine? How long would it take us to catch back up if we weren’t slowed down like we have been in the past by religious insanities and assumptions without evidence? Galileo Galilei was set back for years by the Catholic Church when he presented his model of the heliocentric Solar System, simply because it did not coincide with what the Bible told us.

First of all, how would we start over? Would we be ignorant of the possibilities or know full well that things such as computers or artificial satellites are possibilities? Would everything simply vanish overnight? Would we be forced by extra-terrestrial tyrannical invaders that want to study our learning and adapting behaviors so they destroy all of our technology?

I wonder what our first priority would be if we had to start over. Clothing is, after all, technology. If we lost all technology but retained sensibility and humility, I feel like people would like to have clothing available to them. That begs another question: would it be survival of the fittest? Would we have to kill our own animals in order to create clothing? Or would a single person or group be determined to provide the clothing for the community. I believe it would be an all out war for survival. Humanity getting back to its animalistic roots.

People won’t be able to dial their sacred three numbers for help, they’ll have to help themselves, and this will bring fear. Fear will bring irrational thinking. Irrational thinking will bring destruction and may ultimately destroy us as a species.

I feel lazy. I did not contribute to these advances in technology. If it wasn’t for scientists tediously working for centuries before my birth, I’d be living in a cave, battling with the creation of fire. I feel lazy because I have nothing to contribute. If I am cold, there is technology available that someone other than myself has created to keep me warm. If I am in pain, there are medicines that others have developed for me to help. I guess that I can contribute by teaching what little I’ve learned. I’ll try that out.

Duality

We need money.

That badly?

Yes.

I don’t want to.

It doesn’t matter, I control you.

Is this really about the money?

Yes.

I don’t believe you. I say that it’s more than that. You think that I need it.

I do think you need it.

I don’t need it.

Yes you do. You can’t function without it. You need warmth.

I do need warmth, but not this badly. I can survive if you feed me.

I cannot feed you without money.

I can work.

No you can’t. You’re broken.

Don’t think that. I’m not broken. You’ve given up on me.

I have not. If I had given up on you, I’d let your heart stop beating. I care about you. You’re part of me.

I can find warmth in other ways.

No you can’t. You’re ugly.

I’m ugly because you don’t take care of me. Let me go outside. Let me run. Let me play. If I’m ugly, how can we do this to get money?

There are ways. I’ve thought this through.

I want you to stop my heart from beating.

No, I want to live.

Toast

I responded to a craigslist ad that was looking for people affected by animal spirits to do a television spot on local access. I sent the following letter:

Dear paranormalmilwaukee.com,

I may have a story for you. My name is Luke and I have an identical twin brother named Lawrence. We were born in a small town in Michigan. When we were younger, our parents bought my brother and I an adorable puppy as a pet. I was not interested in the responsibility at the time so I gave it to my brother in whole.

My brother Lawrence was an odd little boy and became accustomed to calling his puppy, “Toast”. And that was what he primarily fed it. Toast could never tell the two of us apart. He was always coming to me when Lawrence called his name from across the room. As soon as Toast would figure out that it was me instead of my brother, he’d become angry and usually bite me. When Toast was around my brother, he was ecstatic. He loved Lawrence and couldn’t get enough of him. They would play outside for hours together. When Toast got a little older, my brother and I got our very first car. Unfortunately, we had to share it.

One night, the both of us decided to go camping and bring Toast along with us. It was an impromptu trip and the last one my brother and Toast would have. During the drive up North, my brother fell asleep at the wheel and totaled the car. Toast and Lawrence were both killed. I survived because I was the only one wearing my seat belt. I spent the next 3 months in a hospital recovering from the accident. As soon as I could walk on my own, I moved out of the state to Milwaukee to get away from all of the bad memories.

Now it is two years later and I’m happily living in Milwaukee having the time of my life. I live alone in an apartment in Bay View. But lately, strange things have been happening. I brought all of Toast’s belongings with me and they’re in a box in my closet. I’ve started finding Toast’s water bowl filled up and placed next to the refrigerator in my kitchen, the same place where we used to keep it at my parent’s house. And a few times I’ve even found a piece of toast next to it when it turns up there, and I don’t even own a toaster! Also, howling that seems to be coming from just outside my bedroom door that I’ve never found a source for. I have absolutely no explanation for any of this happening because I haven’t told any of my friends here about the dog.

I believe that Toast’s ghost has followed me here and is confused about my identity. I believe he thinks I am my brother Lawrence and wants to be with him. I am afraid what would happen if he ever found out that I am not Lawrence.

I am willing to do an interview and will answer any and all questions you may have. Thank you for your time.

- Luke

They emailed me back and asked for my phone number. I spoke to them. It was awkward.